Review: "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning"
Not since "Alien Vs. Predator" has a three-word movie title delivered so completely what it has promised. Texas? Check. Chainsaw? Oh, mais oui. Massacre? You betcha. This prequel to the splatterhouse original comes at you with all the subtlety of a concussion grenade. But hey, it's not like you were misled--you can't complain that you were expecting something like "Snow Falling On Cedars".
TCM:TB opens the 2006 incarnation of Austin's Fanastic Fest, but first! There was a word from our sponsor, Ain't It Cool's own Harry Knowles. Now, of course my differences with Mr. Knowles are legendary. He's tried to have me killed on numerous occasions, and that whole incident in Marrakech is best not spoken of. So I was not altogether pleased to see him in attendance. Tonight, he seized the microphone and decided to declaim Keats' "Ode To A Grecian Urn" whilst affecting a Peter Lorre accent. Then he condescended to discuss the movie in a foul-mouthed outburst that pitched upwards into hysteria and culminated with him furiously pleasuring himself with a microphone. But perhaps I've said too much.
So, onwards to the movie. The filmmakers were possessed of three chief weapons: a soundboard that went to 11, the hammy scenery-chomping of R. Lee Ermey, a cheap cast, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope. Given the opportunity to craft a work of startling insight and true terror, they decided instead to predictably kill off the characters in the exact order that you would suspect and to drum up cheap scares by cranking up the speakers to the max whenever someone "unexpectedly" slammed a door or stomped a boot or zipped a zipper. Bad guys are constantly leaping into the foreground and abruptly popping into the frame like jacks-in-the-box. I mean, the director did everything but include the ever-popular "Aiiee! Oh, it was only a cat!" gambit. Possibly because they couldn't afford a cat wrangler.
The movie features Jordana Brewster ("The Fast And The Furious"), Diora Baird ("Accepted"), some negligible dudes, and, of course, Mr. Ermey. It was directed with massive incompetence by Jonathan Liebesman ("Darkness Falls"). Hollywood bigwigs Toby Emmerich and Michael Bay, schockster Mike Fleiss ("Hostel II"), and venerated horror guru Tobe Hooper (of the original TCM) all receive producer credits. They'll wish they hadn't.
TCM:TB opens the 2006 incarnation of Austin's Fanastic Fest, but first! There was a word from our sponsor, Ain't It Cool's own Harry Knowles. Now, of course my differences with Mr. Knowles are legendary. He's tried to have me killed on numerous occasions, and that whole incident in Marrakech is best not spoken of. So I was not altogether pleased to see him in attendance. Tonight, he seized the microphone and decided to declaim Keats' "Ode To A Grecian Urn" whilst affecting a Peter Lorre accent. Then he condescended to discuss the movie in a foul-mouthed outburst that pitched upwards into hysteria and culminated with him furiously pleasuring himself with a microphone. But perhaps I've said too much.
So, onwards to the movie. The filmmakers were possessed of three chief weapons: a soundboard that went to 11, the hammy scenery-chomping of R. Lee Ermey, a cheap cast, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope. Given the opportunity to craft a work of startling insight and true terror, they decided instead to predictably kill off the characters in the exact order that you would suspect and to drum up cheap scares by cranking up the speakers to the max whenever someone "unexpectedly" slammed a door or stomped a boot or zipped a zipper. Bad guys are constantly leaping into the foreground and abruptly popping into the frame like jacks-in-the-box. I mean, the director did everything but include the ever-popular "Aiiee! Oh, it was only a cat!" gambit. Possibly because they couldn't afford a cat wrangler.
The movie features Jordana Brewster ("The Fast And The Furious"), Diora Baird ("Accepted"), some negligible dudes, and, of course, Mr. Ermey. It was directed with massive incompetence by Jonathan Liebesman ("Darkness Falls"). Hollywood bigwigs Toby Emmerich and Michael Bay, schockster Mike Fleiss ("Hostel II"), and venerated horror guru Tobe Hooper (of the original TCM) all receive producer credits. They'll wish they hadn't.
posted by Purukivel at 6:54 PM
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